They Sang As They Slew: a New-Old rehearsal space

[Introductory note: As I was writing the following post, I realized that I may not have explained clearly that I am a part of a rock band called They Sang As They Slew. We formed in Toccoa, GA, and were originally known as Canary. We are currently signed and have released two albums on Northern Records. I also am a part of a now-ancient rock band called Luxury, which has released records with Tooth and Nail, Bulletproof and Northern. I will try to provide some more back story for both of these entities in the future...]

Sunday night (9/21) was our first night practicing again since we were unceremoniously ejected from our previous practice space of ten years in late August. "Ejected" is probably too harsh a word. We were located in John West's building in downtown Toccoa for about ten years, using different rooms in different parts of the building. He charged us practically no rent and was very patient with the presence of a rock band in his office space for that whole time. He truly was a patron of the arts, whether intentionally or unintentionally. We owe him a debt of gratitude.

Nonetheless, we weren't all that happy to be given two weeks notice to move out, essentially without any warning. But that's the way things work, I suppose. For me, these sorts of changes
seem to coincide with bigger life changes, and sometimes unexpectedly. Yesterday, I gave our parish priest a reference form to be filled out by him and sent to St. Vlad's as part of my application process. If accepted, my life in TSATS is probably over, which leaves me with a sort-of empty feeling in my stomach. What will the guys do? How will they take it when they see a definite point in the future that denotes the end of my being in the band? I can hardly believe that this is a possibility myself. I have been in bands since I was seventeen. Literally two decades of rock have been generated with my fingers and the sweat of my brow. The greater majority of that time has been spent in Canary/TSATS. This is both a wonderful and difficult time for me. Change is always wonderful in it's expectation and difficult in it's termination.

But back to the new practice space... About ten years ago, our drummer's dad allowed us to use a part of his basement (which he subsequently sound-proofed) as a rehearsal space. Now, our drummer is renting that house from his parents and we find ourselves back in that same room. Aaron and I spent much of our first practice remembering that time ten years ago. Strange, strange, strange. So many feelings and memories tied in with that short period, and they all sort of percolate beneath the surface when re-encountering that old, familiar space. It seems so much smaller, now!

Mogwai, live, and rock music pensiveness...

As I mentioned in my previous post, I had the opportunity to see Scottish post-rock band Mogwai in Atlanta on Monday. It was my first experience of this band live since I started listening to them at the suggestion of my friend ,Rob Bupp, exactly ten years ago.

They were quite good at moments and quite boring at others. Being a loyal fan of their work, I am tempted be less honest, but the fact remains that they had their less-than-stellar moments. But where they were good, they absolutely soared. They truly are the current 'kings of dynamic' and simple melodic patterns. The tunes they play might be something that you would hum to yourself while walking in a forest or looking out over some vast, desolate place, or standing and staring at traffic whir past in a blur. At times, they are the sound of buildings collapsing, at others they are the sound of waves lapping quietly.

It is a curious fact to me that so many Christian kids seem to like these sorts of bands (instrumental bands), in particular. Is it that, because they have no offensive words, they are safe from mom and dad's critique? Is it because they allow room for one to quote-unquote-worship as one sees fit? Is it simply that Christian kids are starting to see that there is a whole world of art outside of the narrow, and at times blasphemous, Christian Contemporary music/art world? Who knows, and I'm not sure that this all that important to anyone other than the blood-sucking Christian music and art industry.

I am a musician who feels like he's finally reached the bottom of a well that has run dry. I love to write and play music, and I find value and enjoyment in that creativity, but it is so inward-looking and self-oriented that I am having a hard time finding any justification for playing the role of the rock star guy. What I know is that if all I can do is talk about my struggles, interests, problems, joys, ideas etc. from only the perspective of the inward-looking eye, then I will be doing no one any good, especially myself. And I'm not sure that there is much room, if any, in rock music for someone who does the opposite without compromising the very nature of rock music.

Does rock music ever move people outside of themselves toward God in a radical abandonment of self? I really want to know if this is possible. I think that it, like so much else in this imperfect, but wonderful, world feeds our passions and desires and distracts us from silence. It is such an excellent substitute for that silence, filling our every moment with a noise that allows us to ignore an opportunity for transcendent inner prayer. Of course I am saying all this while wearing my iPod and listening to a mix ("Ageless Beauty" by Stars was first up).

It frightens me...literally, it frightens me...that in a very few short years rock bands have become totally normal in evangelical circles as leaders of worship. Within a church service, no less. What's more, the transition was so simple, so natural that it took no more than a decade to make the switch. A rock band stands in front of people in order to receive adulation for their art. At least in a best-case scenario. The fact that this fits so naturally into a church setting is a statement about the nature of things in evangelical circles.

The Church, in evangelical circles, must follow culture, be submissive to culture in order to maintain contact with the people in that culture. But just like the boy who follows the tide out in order to stay in the water, evangelical church groups are moving further and further away from where they started, in a hopeless effort to keep people attracted to the Church. It would not be so much of a problem if the Church could call people back to where we started, but in trying to change the "non-essentials" (worship) these groups are slowly, but most assuredly, compromising belief, doctrine and knowledge of the Church itself, cutting themselves of from "the deposit of faith". How we worship should inform what we believe to be true. That is the way the Church works (or at least how it should work). We are so shocked to see fellow Christian groups become deluded into ordaining openly gay men and women. But why? These groups are only staying contextually relevant to the culture. Somewhere we have to draw a line, and unfortunately many evangelical groups have forgotten what a line looks like and how to draw.

Elevation of the Cross, September 14, filling out forms...

I finally started the process of form fillage (in other words, filling out the forms) for St. Vlad's. The application process seems pretty straight-forward, though I still need to write the "three to four page paper" describing myself and my interest in enrolling in St. Vlad's (which is next on my agenda). It's always interesting to sort of take stock of one's self in this way, though it may indicate a tendency toward narcissism...which calls into question the very notion of writing a blog. Is it sharing or is it pride? But I digress. I will be curious to see what surfaces when I make an official effort to take an interior look at myself and my motivations for pursuing seminary.

What are my goals? What is my desire? How far off the mark are these things from where I should be? In what ways am I living that nurtures my isolation and tendency toward vanity and self-flattery? Do I want to become a priest, and if so, am I doing it only in order to "guide others" and "show them better ways to live"? Not that those are bad things in and of themselves, I just doubt my own motivations.

I have been deeply enjoying Fr Alexander Schmemman's ...Journals... for the last couple of weeks. I think that it should be required reading...well, at least strongly suggested reading for potential candidates for the priesthood who are 'coming up' within St. Vlad's. One of the things that he stressed in one of his entries was the importance of truly knowing the joy of Christ, and passing that need on to his seminarians. That was far more crucial to him than they become "good guides" and theologians (think: Christian philosophers), at least in the sense that he experienced the desires of the seminarians of his time.

My greatest fear is to be entrusted with the care of a flock, only to infect them with my own diseases: a terrible tendency to become myopic about the 'rule' of faith and an sad indifference to those who suffer around me. I have to admit these things.

In any case, my wife and I are going to St. Vlad's for a visit in November and are looking forward to what we believe will be a clarifying journey. Fr Alexander talks in his journals about a sense of calling he had that drew him from St. Sergius Institute to St. Vlad's. He says it wasn't some sort of voice from heaven, but was more or less the reality of accumulated events. The decision essentially made itself. He had a sense of (thinking of Abraham) "arise and go". I think that my wife and I are seeing a similar accumulation of events. And the "arise and go" seems to be getting clearer each day.


Reading: The Journals of Father Alexander Schmemman 1973-1983 by Alexander Schmemman, Mountain of Silence by Kiriakos Markides,

Listening to: Audio lecture on the Theotokos by Fr Thomas Hopko, M83 Saturday=Youth, Justice Cross, Mew Frengers, Bloc Party Silent Alarm, with smatterings of Grizzly Bear, Simple Minds, Mogwai, Sigur Ros...

Recent events: Saw Mogwai at the Variety Playhouse last night...it was the loudest thing I have ever heard...was shocked that they played some of my faves from Ten Rapid. I will post thoughts on this later....

Now, where was I?

I find it difficult to believe that I've neglected this blog for nearly four years.  So much has happened in the intervening years.  In December of 2004, on the Eve of the Feast of the Nativity, my wife and I were chrismated and brought into the Orthodox Church.  About two weeks later, my wife gave birth to our second son on the eve of Theophany.  My two boys were baptized and chrismated in February of 2005 and our whole family had become "one" in the Church.  

Several months later, I was tonsured as a Reader by Archbishop Dmitri (OCA, Diocese of Dallas and the South).  Since that time I have served as a Reader, an altar server and a choir director in our small parish in Toccoa, Georgia.

It has truly been a rich and wonderful experience as a new Orthodox Christian these past four years.   It hasn't always been a perfect, easy-going relationship with others in our parish, but we have had the chance to embrace reality and to wrestle with our own passions.   Things have had the opportunity to get "ugly" as they say in the South.  But with that ugliness, we have seen so much good blossom and grow.   

And now, my wife and I and our kids are looking to our own future apart from this community that essentially "birthed" us into the Faith.  I am considering (with my Bishop's blessing) applying to attend St. Vladimir's Orthodox Theological Seminary in the fall of 2009.  This will mean enormous changes for my family.  We have been located in Toccoa since I moved here to attend college in 1988 (I was 17 and married wife three years later).   We have a house here.  We have a church family here.  It is comfortable being here.  It would be easy to stay.

I grew up as a pastor's kid.  My dad was a protestant minister for about twenty-five years.  It was not an easy life for us kids, always moving from place to place, and never really feeling settled anywhere.  I have enjoyed the sensation of stability over these last two decades.  I saw how hard it was to be a pastor and I swore I would never follow in my dad's footsteps.

I still was repeating that oath as recently as three months ago.  I was given a promotion at work, which was the answer (so I thought) to my growing dissatisfaction with my working life.  What followed was frustration, and a realization that maybe I was looking to the wrong things for satisfaction.   That maybe I had been looking to the wrong things for a long time and hadn't even realized it.

Enter my brother Lee suggesting that Kate and I join him and Amy as they went to St. Vlad's in November .  They had cemented their plans to attend the seminary, with the intention that Lee pursue the priesthood.  They really wanted to see the seminary, meet with faculty and students, and generally prepare themselves.  We were to go as their support team.  

I was eager to go for a second visit to St. Vlad's; my first visit having been in January 2006 for my friend, Fr Christopher's, ordination.   It was a surprisingly wonderful experience, not that I expected to have a bad time.  But I went away with a nagging feeling that I might have some unfinished business with the seminary.

Back to 2008...Lee asks us to make the trip with him and Amy, we agree.  And then, even as I renew my oath in the "I'll Never Be A Pastor" club, a scary thought dawns on me: maybe that's where my calling is.  Maybe that is the root of my dissatisfaction.   And suddenly, this trip to New York seemed to be taking on all new, unexpected dimensions.  For the first time, instead of saying "No" to the pastorate, the priesthood, I was saying, "Maybe..."

Our trip is still two months away.  We are trying to deal with what we are increasingly seeing as a "strong possibility" (attending seminary) turning into a "strong desire".  Much to our surprise.  We have moved past the "wow" stage in our contemplation and are starting to look at the cold, hard facts.  We will be far away from Katie's family (a definite hardship for her especially, but for all of us too), we will be moving from our parish, and the only town the boys have ever known.  We will have to give away, sell, throw away or store everything we own.  We will have to sell the house, which has been in Katie's family since the early '80's.  We have so many memories tied up in this place.

But at the same time Katie and I are really sensing that change is in the wind for us, regardless.  It seems that no matter what the outcome of our trip to St. Vlad's, we will be making some big changes in our life.   One of which may be that I will have to give up my membership in the "I'll Never Be A Pastor" club.  And if this happens, no one will be more surprised

than me.

I wonder how strange that sounds to other people.   There is a real "positive tension" (to steal a song title from Bloc Party) that I feel in such statements.  My priest and I have discussed this idea of a calling to the priesthood at some length.  Of his own calling, he has said, "If there was some way that I could have avoided it I would have, but I simply couldn't".   I am starting to wonder if I am in the same boat.  I have never desired to be a pastor, but maybe God wants to use that anti-desire for His own glory.   The priesthood?  Who knows.  But to bring glory to God is everyone's calling.  My I answer my own calling fully and willingly.