Emotion, Demotion

Over the years my relationship with my employer, who shall remain nameless for their own protection, has had its ups and downs.  Today, I was informed that I was neither fired nor demoted, but in truth i wish I had been fired because I was as-good-as demoted.  Here's the tale:

I was originally employed in the art department of this company, but quit after about a year and a half.  About a year and a half went by, and I was asked to come back to this company and join the design team building prototype furniture under the guidance of the head designer.  He designed, an exceedingly-talented engineer named Tim engineered, and my friend Glenn and I built the stuff.  It was, for the most part, a good thing.  We built some pretty amazing furniture using some very basic tooling.  Here are some images of the actual furniture that I built (the one at the bottom made it into a national advert).  Glenn and I split the building duties up, but these were units for which I was the primary builder...

>>>>The top image is a bed that literally rolls up into the entertainment center that forms its headboard (it uses a Zoom Bed to accomplish this).  The second photo is a curio of sorts, that is essentially a squashed half cylinder, and is called The Approach Road curio.  It was a real challenge.  The third photo is an Edwardian home office, which I quite like.  Note the iMac, front and center!<<<<

This position was challenging on many levels.  We had to be prepared to try some very different building methods on a deadline, and then be willing to deal with the fact that the designer was going to come into the shop and literally take a chain saw to our beautiful, completed work of furniture art.  I'm not kidding about the chain saw.  I have video footage.

Five years went by, and Glenn soured on his position due to the inadequacies of our boss and the dead-end nature of the position.   He quit.  I, too, was sick of that dead-end job and put in my notice, having taken a position at another local business.  But I was talked into staying with my company.  The bait? I was to be promoted out of tiresome furniture building (I was burned out on building after six years at the design studio) and into the position of "Kitchen and Bath Project Manager".  Sounded good to me, so I informed my intended employer that I wasn't going to be leaving my company after all, and took the K&B PM job.

The intention was for me to spearhead an 'internal' K&B program, taking it from conception to working form.  What I found was that I had agreed to subject myself to an incredibly slow and painful form of torture.  After four months, this program was found to be something of a failure, and apparently I was the one left holding the 'hot potato'.   Actually, I felt pretty good about my work as K&B PM, as I was able to encourage a real and working communication between our main K&B cabinetry vendor/partner and ourselves (something that was in jeopardy at the time of my promotion).  As a result of good team work, we were able to correct a number of poor practices and smooth out the workings of what will probably be the most profitable part of our company.

So it is sad to note that today, October 21, 2008, after serving a mere six months as K&B PM,  I was informed that the kitchen and bath program at my company was "not going to develop any further".  I was told that I would still have a job at my company.

That job?  You are going to love this part: I would go back to assembling prototype furniture.  But instead of returning to the design studio (a separate facility intended to be somewhat inspiring to the design team), I was to set up a shop inside the factory among the furniture assembly personnel (inspiring only to those who wish to find reasons to kill themselves..no offense to our assembly personnel intended!).  For me, this is about as low as I could go.  Our plant manager, who happens to be (in my opinion) a great guy and a talented plant manager, informed me that this was not "a demotion".  Ouch.  If only he hadn't said that.  He might as well have said, "I don't want to demote you, but what else can I do with you?"  The next question is, "How soon until you drop my pay and take me off of salary?"  I would be the only guy in the company to go from a higher position to a lower one without being fired.  Who will have any respect for me, even though I have not officially been demoted?

So I quit this job to take another job doing something that I wanted to do, only to be wooed back into a job which has now been taken from me and replaced with a much, much, MUCH worse version of the job that I originally quit.  I feel cheated.  I feel like the parties responsible will not take responsibility.  I feel like I am being made to pay for the mistakes of my superiors, who will pay nothing at all.

I also feel like this is a huge opportunity to be humbled, and to rejoice in that humility.

Unfortunately, at the moment all I can think about is the sick feeling that I have in my stomach that I may be stuck in a job that I (and I can't emphasize this word enough) HATE.  Pray for me.  Pray for me.  Pray for me.  I must feed my family and I want to do so in a way that I will remain sane.

Seminary seems so far away!

St. Vlad's: it's in the mail

So, I mailed my application for St. Vlad's yesterday.  I even took a picture of the envelope for posterity.  I'm surprised at how little emotion that I have for this significant event.  I feel as if, in some way, I have sealed my fate by finally sending this application which I swore that I would never send.  

Here are some things to put on a checklist if you are thinking about applying for St.Vlad's:

1.) Download all forms from the svots.edu website, then warm up your form-filling-out arm

2.) Be prepared to write a three-to-four page essay about yourself in regard to your desire to attend seminary

3.) Get a copy of your baptismal certificate (if you don't have one, talk to your priest)

4.) Set up an appointment with your doctor for a physical ( a requirement before being accepted)

5.) Contact your bishop and petition him for his blessing on your desire to apply to seminary

6.) Start thinking fun thoughts, such as, "How am I going to feed my family, pay my bills and pay for school?!?"  And then realize that if God can bring you to St. Vlad's, he can take you through St. Vlad's.

..........

Today, I am in High Point, North Carolina to set up my company's showroom in anticipation of the  fall 2008 furniture "Market" season.  I will be tending and mending furniture that retails for (in some cases) more than the estimated value of my house.  I am NOT kidding, or exaggerating.  Mind, my house isn't all that nice and I live in a notoriously small Georgia town, but how can a single piece of furniture retail for over $70k?  People will make appointments to come visit our showroom in a week or so, and will spend obscene amounts of money on our furniture.  

........

As I finish writing this post, I find myself back at home after a difficult week of pre-market set up.  I find myself more and more unsure about being involved with this sort of business on any level, though I know some very good people who wouldn't think twice about this sort of thing.  It's just a job, it's just business.   But this is 'compartmentalized thinking', and I can't buy into it.  We don't live in a two-storey universe, as Fr Stephen Freeman has said many times in his podcasts (which I highly recommend).  We live in a world that is at once both physical and spiritual.  God is not somehow relegated to another existence apart from the one that we mistakenly refer to as "the one, true reality".  He is here and now, and by way of His Son and through His Spirit reveals the kingdom which is here and is to come.  That kingdom is 'the norm', not this world.  That being the fact, I struggle with Christianity being shaped and molded to fit the so-called demands of this world.  I struggle with my company's three-point priority list, in which the third point states that my company will "honor God in all we do".

How will I deal with parishoners who don't see the importance of taking on this struggle and allowing it to transform their lives?  How will I deal with myself when I try to make this world into 'the norm' by which I judge those persons around me, as if I were the master of my first- storey existence and God was somewhere else?

I am struck by the incredible self-indulgence that my "christian" company seeks to sell to those who are seeking to find a way to fill in their (often times) empty existence.  No matter how beautiful the 'junk' is, it is still ultimately just junk.  Beautiful to be sure, and a form of our God-given creative drive which gives Him glory in some way.  But at the end of the day, a $12,000 armoire is still $12,000 worth of junk.  It will burn.  Hopefully we won't  burn with it.

St. Vlad's Seminary: the continuing saga of application submission

I believe that I have finally put the three-to-four page autobiographical essay behind me, as of 11:30 p.m. last night.  I managed to cram three-to-four pages into six.  I found handwriting to be a painful experience, as most of my writing these days is limited to a few numbers and words on a 'cut list' (which is furniture-speak for "list of parts and their respective measurements for the purpose of manufacturing a piece of furniture").

I have finished Fr Alexander Schmemman's Journal... , which was wonderful.  It was like looking through a small porthole into his inner life and thoughts.  I love his attention to the beauty of the weather and the 'natural world' as he perceived it during drives to Labelle or on his walks from the office to chapel.  I have the same sense of a 'cleansing' while driving to or from work through the hills of Georgia.  Especially during the fall.  I recently received a promotion at work, which has me stationed in a small 'cave' inside of our factory, and far removed from the above mentioned hills.  But recently I was afforded an opportunity to experience humility by returning to my former 'lower position' as furniture builder at our design studio.  This returned me to the necessity of that drive through the hills.  I was not looking forward to missing the fall color this year, being stuck in my little white-collar cave.  But now, I have at least a small opportunity to see some color for a little while.  Small unexpected blessings are sometimes the best of all.

It seems to me that in this case, I was given something that I did not want, that I even resisted, and received something that was totally unexpected.   It was humbling to be asked to go back and do a job that I had literally quit.  I had no choice, it was a command, and it certainly was unfair and a bit of a 'dirty trick'.  But what I found was that it was what I needed, and I am not looking forward to leaving.  What I wanted vs. what I needed.  Oh, great mystery.