I finally started the process of form fillage (in other words, filling out the forms) for St. Vlad's. The application process seems pretty straight-forward, though I still need to write the "three to four page paper" describing myself and my interest in enrolling in St. Vlad's (which is next on my agenda). It's always interesting to sort of take stock of one's self in this way, though it may indicate a tendency toward narcissism...which calls into question the very notion of writing a blog. Is it sharing or is it pride? But I digress. I will be curious to see what surfaces when I make an official effort to take an interior look at myself and my motivations for pursuing seminary.
What are my goals? What is my desire? How far off the mark are these things from where I should be? In what ways am I living that nurtures my isolation and tendency toward vanity and self-flattery? Do I want to become a priest, and if so, am I doing it only in order to "guide others" and "show them better ways to live"? Not that those are bad things in and of themselves, I just doubt my own motivations.
I have been deeply enjoying Fr Alexander Schmemman's ...Journals... for the last couple of weeks. I think that it should be required reading...well, at least strongly suggested reading for potential candidates for the priesthood who are 'coming up' within St. Vlad's. One of the things that he stressed in one of his entries was the importance of truly knowing the joy of Christ, and passing that need on to his seminarians. That was far more crucial to him than they become "good guides" and theologians (think: Christian philosophers), at least in the sense that he experienced the desires of the seminarians of his time.
My greatest fear is to be entrusted with the care of a flock, only to infect them with my own diseases: a terrible tendency to become myopic about the 'rule' of faith and an sad indifference to those who suffer around me. I have to admit these things.
In any case, my wife and I are going to St. Vlad's for a visit in November and are looking forward to what we believe will be a clarifying journey. Fr Alexander talks in his journals about a sense of calling he had that drew him from St. Sergius Institute to St. Vlad's. He says it wasn't some sort of voice from heaven, but was more or less the reality of accumulated events. The decision essentially made itself. He had a sense of (thinking of Abraham) "arise and go". I think that my wife and I are seeing a similar accumulation of events. And the "arise and go" seems to be getting clearer each day.
Reading: The Journals of Father Alexander Schmemman 1973-1983 by Alexander Schmemman, Mountain of Silence by Kiriakos Markides,
Listening to: Audio lecture on the Theotokos by Fr Thomas Hopko, M83 Saturday=Youth, Justice Cross, Mew Frengers, Bloc Party Silent Alarm, with smatterings of Grizzly Bear, Simple Minds, Mogwai, Sigur Ros...
Recent events: Saw Mogwai at the Variety Playhouse last night...it was the loudest thing I have ever heard...was shocked that they played some of my faves from Ten Rapid. I will post thoughts on this later....
1 comment:
Well said.
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