Three weeks on the other side...

I am rapidly exiting my third week of classes at the seminary. Some thoughts:

"This is difficult. Maybe more than I expected."

"What an amazing community and what amazing people surround me here."

"I don't want to screw up. Oh, too late."

"This can't possibly as complex as Professor _________ is making it."

"I feel like one of the slow kids."

"I get this! It's like the lights are all coming on!"

"Lord have mercy, lord have mercy, lord have mercy..."

I guess we find ourselves where we are, not in some other imaginary place that we might rather be. I tend to question my choices. The BIG life choices, most especially. As if there is some sort of divine retribution for good intentions gone awry. Everyday, I have to crucify my intentions and my desire to take the reigns and run with this thing. I am here and am offering my time, my studies, my community service and, indeed, my life to God. He is the only who can make something of this offering and my faith is that he will do so.

I have been so humbled by the depth and skill and sheer intelligence that I have seen in my fellow students. Not to sound pathetic, but who am I? I am not much more than a glorified factory worker. What am I doing in grad school, and who do I think I am kidding? The desire to fall into self-pity is strong, but to what end? To help me justify failure if it comes? To be able to tell myself and anyone else who will listen, "See, I told you so." Lord, have mercy. I am who you made me to be. Forgive me if I denigrate the gifts you have given, and help me to be courageous to use them to their full capacity. Use my humble origins as a lever to me me to love others.

I miss my corner of the factory...